My name is Courtney Copsey

 My name is Courtney..

I always wonder what makes me, me and than I understand it's experience. It's love, it's hate, it's trauma and it's even death. For the most of us it's trauma and grief. Than again trauma comes with grief. Grief comes from more than just death. It come's to a point where you sit there and just say "I'm just a person..". It comes with the "why me"?, it comes with  the "Why does the lord think I can handle this?" There is so many questions no one can answer. The death of a loved one, or the emotional and physical abuse of someone who you thought loved you or that you can trust. I don't understand my feelings, and those who understand there feelings, just be great full. Because for the most of us, it runs and ruins our lives and we don't understand.

We aren't capable of this, we have addictions and other things that we live with every single day. We have regrets and things that we are insecure about. I know that sounds like everyone. But. I'm not talking about everyone. I'm talking about people with trauma or anxiety or any other disorder. Our minds run our lives. It's depressing most days. We seem like the regular person, but we aren't. We live in our minds running at a hundred miles per hour, at least that's what my elementary school counselor told me. 

No one want's anxiety, but we all have it. Some worse than others. We know we need help, but we need help, getting help. It's simple. Half of the country is trying to help, but in our minds, it doesn't seem like that. I grew up in a small town where everyone takes care of everyone, but most times its after the death of a loved one. My community understands death. We are so small of a town that when someone dies, everyone knows the person who died, and everyone knows what it's like to lose someone. I'm not scared of death, but i'm scared of leaving everyone who loves me. I guess that's everyone? I don't know, I can only speak for myself. 

I've experienced death in a unforgiving way. Including myself dying, I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm still alive to tell my story. Meaning, I was revived 5 times, and was in a coma state where they weren't sure I would survive, I obviously survived. It's not what everyone thinks. It's not some crazy story like I was mugged or beaten to that state. It was self induced. Not like I was trying to kill my self, yet. I was 14 years old. I was trying alcohol for the first time. I was 110 lbs and drank half a fifth. I know that's not very much, but for the first time at that size it was for me. Even after all of that happening alcohol is still probably biggest problem. That's where I will talk about addiction, but I'm not there yet.

Death is something I've lived with for a long time, my best friend died. Her story is more intense than my "almost dying" situation. She was 13, her name was Mackenzie. It was actually after a funeral that day that it happened. The last thing she said to me was "we will hang later". I hung out with her almost everyday. She already had plans to live a whole life and it was taken from her to soon. She was raped and beaten to death with a rock. Everyone knows everyone in this town. So we knew who Mack was and we knew who the killer was. He came to school that week, and later on at her funeral he confessed. He was my classmate and cousin. I guess we don't know what people are  capable of until we see what they're capable of. It hurts to think he came to school like nothing happened. I just know he was sympathetic enough to come forward. I forgive him, but I don't think a lot of people do. That was just the beginning of what I can remember of death.

Some of us have more experience of death more than most. My mother had her brother die in a terrible kayaking incident. My uncle Al and his best friend flipped there kayak over, his friend made it to shore but he didn't. My mom is forever scarred by seeing her brother pulled up by a hook from the water, I hope I never experience the same pain that she did, but that means my brother will have to experience my death first. In my power, I hope I will out live everyone. So I can carry that pain and they don't have too. 

I have more to say, but I have to tend to my beautiful babies.

to be continued....